Being home always necessitates a healthy dose of housekeeping. It’s kind of like the world is our ocean and this property is the shoreline. High tide brings in all manner of stuff and leaves it stranded wherever it was drifting when the tide rolled back out to find more keepsakes.

One such discovery came yesterday at the bottom of a closet: I unbent two  passports from my teens and twenties that I now looked upon with voyeuristic interest. To be sure, they revealed photos of a younger self who seemed to grow older when I stopped paying attention. I posted one of the photos on social media, and I mused about the things that I could now tell that younger person if given the opportunity.

For starters: in looking at that sleepy-eyed girl with a bad perm and metallic grin, I’d tell her that when she takes her first backpacking trip through Europe, don’t neglect to bring along that retainer. Who would ever have guessed that teeth would shift back to their original crookedness over the course of a month?

About twenty years later, I’m still supremely annoyed by this.

A friend of mine reversed the question of what I would tell myself and created what I think is an even more interesting consideration: what would that young teenage girl have to say to me? I think this is kind of hard to say, because at that age I was still living in World Receive Mode. I spent most of my time absorbing rather than talking or deciding. It was an unconscious effort to make sense of how the world operated without judgment or conclusion. L’insouciance. I don’t imagine that this kid would have much to tell me in the way of worldly wisdom.

But I do know for sure that she would have a lot of questions for me, and with this in mind I can easily construct a back and forth exchange between the two of us:

Does it get easier?

It actually gets more complicated– but the good news is that you will get more comfortable with who you are, and this will help to fight your daily battles with greater ease.

 

Will I have a fairytale life?

No- but yes. It depends on your fairytale. As you get older you realize that things defined as magical to you are not the same as those of your neighbor’s. Resist the pull to try and conform yourself to realities that are a bad fit- trying to mash your particular puzzle piece into the wrong spot will only make you feel less valued.

 

Will I get divorced?

With age I recognize that there are some things that I would not divulge. Some circumstances can only be understood after you’ve really lived them, and any foreknowledge would only be counterproductive.

 

When will I know what I want to do with my life?

Je ne sais pas. Still working on that one- but you’re bound to have fun trying to figure it out.

 

Will I ever figure out what to do with my hair?

You will still hate your hair. But you will discover a blow dryer. A very nice and expensive one.

 

Will I ever stop feeling like I don’t fit in?

Sweetie, that feeling will never go away, but you’ll learn to embrace your uniqueness. On most days. I’d be lying if I said that you’ll stop having exasperating days where you wonder if life would be easier if your brain and upbringing were a bit more…mainstream.

You’ll continue to fantasize that if you were more normal, then you might enjoy a healthy dating life or even have a great husband and kids in a Cape-style house that is all tremendously fulfilling. But those days will be outnumbered by the ones that have you saying that you’d never trade the route that you’re currently traveling. Maybe that’s a factor of favoring the evil you know, but on most days you’ll leverage your restiveness and embark upon random adventures that you probably would never have attempted otherwise.

 

Will I always feel this dumb?

Yes, you will. But it shouldn’t stop you from going out and trying to learn as much as you can. Like lacing up hockey skates in your thirties, or going back to school again and again and again in an effort to not feel dumb. The key is to have faith in yourself- because above all, I know that even at 13 you are already not giving yourself the credit you deserve.

I’ll say that again, because I know you’re a hard-headed teenager: have a little bit of faith in your abilities and intuition- they will not lead you astray.