I have no idea if this will help anyone at all.

Indeed, I am aware that by talking about this, I place myself into the category of a “boring adult who is dealing with dreadful things and feels behind the power curve”. It’s obvious to say that I have started learning about all of this crap too late. Unfortunately, much like civics classes that are no longer taught as compulsory in our school systems, there is no class on learning how to age and die with grace in the United States. Don’t get me wrong— I loved and appreciated my public school education— but the skills that I was armed with were not comprehensive. (And honestly, even if they taught such skills, I’m not sure that I would have paid any attention because when you are young, you are going to live forever.) Ah the stupid, not-so-boring-youth. Life was much simpler back then.

I am always keen to share knowledge when I have it. Like when my Italian bank locked me out of accessing my account online because I switched smartphones before deleting the digital key (who knew that this was a thing???)….that’s when I figured out how to fix it and then emailed everyone I knew who might find themselves in my situation (as a matter of fact, there were other people locked out of their bank accounts).

We’re all gonna get old and die, so obviously I get that I will not be the last person in this situation. Furthermore, I don’t want other American people in my general age group to be going through the motions like I have over the past month (news flash: it’s no picnic). And so, without further ado, here is a rapid fire rundown of data points that I think everyone should be putting together for when they have parents/guardians/loved ones for whom they might be going to the hospital to assist.

Your loved one— let’s call him “Volodymyr” because I am still mad at Putin and President Zelenskyy deserves all the help he can get— he falls gravely ill and is taken to an emergency room. For the person who shows and is designated as Volodymyr’s advocate (or better yet, a “health proxy” put down in writing), that person needs to know some stuff about him:

• Date of birth, blood type, SSN, insurance documents (note: if he is over 65 then Medicare will help matter$ a lot).
• What medication is Volodymyr currently taking?
• What are his existing health conditions?
• Does he have an Advanced Directive? if so, where is the physical copy located? You need to bring that in to the hospital.
• Who has Volodymyr granted permission to discuss his medical information with?
  • If the answer is nobody, then as soon as he is discharged (we’re thinking positively here), you need to help him call his doctors to ensure that he has a list of approved people who can advocate. HIPAA is real and can be maddening when you are at your worst moment in your life and need to advocate for someone you love.
• Who is Volodymyr’s primary care manager (i.e. main doctor)?
  • You’re going want to call that person and let them know what is going on. Also any other specialized care doctors who are treating him.
• Is Volodymyr a veteran?
  • If so, you should call the VA immediately to let them know what happened (this might help with paying for bills such as the $500 a mile ambulance journey)

I recommend that all of this information be placed in an easily-accessible (yet secure) shared space online that can be accessed by everyone close to Volodymyr. Nobody wants to be fumbling for basic information when your heart is running roughshod over your rational thinking. Also, hospitals and the many doctors coming and going are overwhelming. You want to have your ducks in a row and also be ready to take down new notes to add to the planned way ahead.

What I am restraining myself in talking about is the fact that this is a particularly American problem. I don’t want to politicize our health care discussion, but even my father, the self-proclaimed “gun toting conservative”— a man who has views vastly different from mine…the first and only thing he said when I got to his hospital bedside was, “I’m terrified for how much this is going to cost”.

Right. Him and the rest of our nation. No matter what channel you turn to for your news update. This is a big deal and it is scary.

My only hope is that by writing this, it gets the conversation going for people. I can tell you from first-hand knowledge that nobody wants to be scrambling for these data points at four in the morning when you are far away and everything feels like it is upside down. It is going to feel upside down anyway…because indeed, the people who once took such great care of you when you were a kid…the people who, when you once fell out of a tree and suffered a concussion and then you smiled when you saw them rushing to your hospital bed while they were still in their airline pilot’s uniform– those are the people who you now want to do right by. Living is a two way street and we have to do our part even when we feel as though we have no idea about what we’re doing.

I hope that this motivates at least one person. And further, I hope that they compile all of this information and then they will never need to use it.