Come one, come all!
I like to explore new places by foot, and last week while trekking to a certain destination, I decided to cut across Hyde Park to get some respite from the zooming Maseratis, Lamborghinis and Ferraris that go muscling around central London. Once I got to the perimeter however I saw that I wouldn’t be able to traverse the park’s diagonal. A large portion of the green space was mysteriously cordoned off by a long white wall. Just beyond the barrier it looked like big happenings were afoot. “Winter Wonderland” said the sign in front of me…opening soon!
Since I’m new, I have no idea what to expect when it comes to experiencing a true British Christmas. I am a sucker for holiday stuff though, so I went online to see when this winter carnival would open to the public. Memories of an excellent trip to the Budapest Christmas market knocked about my brain, and I wondered how Britons might accent theirs. Beefeater ornaments for sale? A double decker booze bus? Mulled wine? Dickensian Christmas scenes? The sky was the limit!
Grab your drink and hop on in!
And so, on a blustering cold Saturday that was in fact yesterday, a group of us Yanks set out to discover what the culture of Christmas was all about. Here’s a photo essay of our trip:
Christmas tree. Check. “Proper” coffee, check. I guess that means there is no booze in there.
We bypassed the proper coffee and went straight for hot stuff of a different variety. It was *really* cold that that afternoon, and little cups of hot chocolate and mulled wine at £4.50 a pop were the order of the day. Drinks in hand, we roamed about and tried to nurse our warmish beverages as we set foot on newly-fallen holiday terrain. No, there wasn’t any snow on the ground– instead freshly-laid black plastic floorboar. Festive.
Obligatory first stop at the park entrance. Getting into the spirit and all…
Looking promising! They’ve got giant Christmas trees and even a few midway rides in here. This was going to be more than just a market.
Back at home, the Barnstable County Fair is held every summer. I had no idea that Christmas carnies existed– but sure enough, games for yuletide suckers were stationed everywhere across the park. Complete with poorly constructed prizes that no one will ever actually win.
This place, while free to enter, boasted loads of rides that only accepted tokens (purchased of course at London prices). Even if Bob Cratchett could bring his whole family here, Tiny Tim wouldn’t be going on much. Not even the Helter Skelter Christmas lighthouse slide.
Winter Wonderland, at least at first, seemed to do a fair job at keeping their Ikea-ish assembled rides somewhat in line with the Winter Wonderland theme. Sipping our drinks, we were largely content to ignore the blatant commercial grab. We get that this is all part of the game. I mean, it wasn’t SUPER Christmassy, but at least they were making an effort to be in the spirit of the season. Kinda…
I’m pretty sure Airwolf had an episode where the supersonic helicopter stood in for Santa’s sleigh and saved Christmas. I might have missed that one though.
Feliz Navidad! We stood at a bar on the other side of Mr. Christmas Corn for a good long while, and not one person went up and made a purchase. Maybe if they switched out the sombrero for a Santa hat…
Behold the Hangover! But this ride at least seemed more in the Christmas spirit. Note on the far left that the giraffe has a Santa cape on. And below the “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign is a Santa flag. That is already falling down.
Ahh the Christmas-themed games. We all know that Santa Claus does a P90X DVD before each and every sleigh ride.
“Hey look!” said one of my fellow Wonderland-goers, “A freedom eagle!” You throw candy cane poles around this sucker’s perimeter, and you’ve got a merry-go-round that will reel in two demographics.
I won’t lie, walking by so many misfit toys and being swept up in the atmosphere did make me feel how I must have felt as a kid seeing the midway’s lights and colors for the first time. Confused and oddly compelled by the mystique…
“Do you wanna go faaassster?!?” The Winter Wonderland Express will take you there. Probably while playing some old school Christmas Aerosmith carols too.
As the temperature remained frosty and we resolved not to go on any of the rides, we started to lose steam on our expedition. Maybe it’s because we’re adults and have lost a certain element of wonder. Maybe not. All I know is that all of sudden, just as we were about to take off for an authentic British pub, that’s when we walked into our desired activity:
Christmas is saved! Note the girl in blue holding her hand up Breakfast Club-style as she triumphantly struts in. Saturday detention never sounded so good.
Once inside, our happy factor went up exponentially– and it wasn’t just because we were now on a slow moving platform that had scowling “elves” tending bar at the center, either. It was actually a nice warm place where we could silently judge our fellow revelers as everyone moved in stationary yet clockwise symphony.
Inside the Adult-Go-Round. This photo was snapped to capture the guy in the background. Pardon his english, but his snow hat says “Fuck You” in red letters. Once again, culturally fascinating.
Once we stepped down from the carousel bar, we were largely desensitized to the weirdness of everything going on around us. The falafel stand, the skeleton playing a violin, and yes even a pirate ship, all seemed to have their rightful place in Hyde Park:
Hungry for Christmas falafel? There would appear to never be a line at this stand.
Maybe this is what Krampus sends to your house if you’ve been bad. You better watch out. You better not cry.
And speaking of Santa Claus coming to town, Look sharp for the jolly old elf scaling the rock wall. “This place really puts you in the haunted Christmas pirate spirit.” observed one of my friends. Totally.
I simply don’t know what is going on here.
By this stage we were well over the sounds of a cover band that was now playing the Kings of Leon Christmas ballad “Use Somebody“. We decided to make a break for actual London, and take our chances in the glitz and commercial glam that was strung up a few blocks over in Mayfair. As we made our way to the exit, we passed a German looking mirror maze sorta thing (see up above). Much like the Christmas Corn and falafel stands, there were no eager children waiting to go in. Instead, they were instinctively walking away. As we got closer, it quickly became obvious why this was probably the case:
Yup, nothing like a little old fashioned nightmare fuel for the trip home. Even though it is not yet Thanksgiving, I can now safely say that it is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. And Pirates of the Caribbean. And The House on Haunted Hill. And whatever else.
All in all, I’d say it was completely awesome.