Last week I found myself dragging an oversized box of furniture through my apartment building. Ever the stubborn girl, I was doing it by myself and cursing the fact that I am single; I hate lifting all of the heavy stuff myself, yet I also hate asking for help if it means inconveniencing others.  I was wearing my uniform, having gone straight from work to the furniture store.

As I got to my floor, I recommenced dragging the awkward box as a resident came out of her apartment. She asked if I needed help and I of course said no- but she came over and picked up the other end anyway and we proceeded to carry it down the hall with great ease.  As we’re walking, she eyed my clothing and suddenly asked, “Have you seen The Invisible War?”

I told her that I hadn’t and she proceeded to tell me that it’s a documentary about sexual assault against (primarily) women serving in the military. She recommended the film, but noted that it was a bit hard to watch. I’m a bit of a documentary junkie, so I made a note to look it up that evening on my Netflix queue.

You may have seen the movie, and you’ll probably agree that the content is pretty charged. I did watch it last week and was indeed left with a number of emotions that could never be appropriately expanded upon in a single blog entry. Or maybe even in an entire blog. The following day Secretary Panetta announced that he was lifting the ban on women serving in combat roles– another subject that stirs up plenty of debate. Me, I tend to steer away from controversy- especially when my immediate audience numbers more than a single person- but I do feel as though I should share a few general thoughts on life as a woman in the military.

I wasn’t even three months into my commissioning as an officer before my boss informed that all he thought about all day was having sex with me. No kidding. We were on deployment, and like the women in the documentary, I was young and still trying to figure out how everything worked. After his confessional (and my attempt at a graceful exit from his quarters), I made it a point to skip any bonus interaction with him- so much so that I skipped meals where I might have to dine at the same table. He literally made me sick to my stomach, and I also felt stupid for apparently giving off the wrong impression.

The morning that we returned from deployment (with his wife waiting for him just a hundred feet away), he took me aside once again and apologized if he came off as unprofessional. Really.

During every subsequent tour of duty I have encountered “issues” with members of the opposite sex. I’d love to say that this is surprising- but it isn’t. You put people together in close quarters, and some extracurricular familiarity is bound to burgeon. Men alongside women. Women alongside women. Men alongside men. That’s just a fact of life.

It’s really easy for me to get off topic here, but before I go any further I want to say that in the workplace I don’t believe that women are absolved of all responsibility. Just as not all men are sexual predators, not all women by virtue of their sex can be classified as innocent victims. Indeed, I too have made my share of mistakes, and for the rest of my life I will remember them and strive to live with honor both in my personal and professional life.

A second item that I wish to mention goes back to the story of my boss. Right or wrong, I didn’t want to take my little problem up the chain of command. I had several reasons, but this was primarily because I was a new officer and doing well in my job. I also thought that maybe I was wrong for behaving in a way that clearly attracted this man’s affection- and perhaps my conduct would also be called to the carpet should a grievance be filed. I may not have wanted to approach my male executive officer, but I did however feel comfortable enough to reach out to my senior enlisted non-commissioned officer (NCO)- who also happened to be a man. A brusque sort who was not exactly the touchy-feely type, I completely trusted him with a problem that I had never encountered in my life.

As it turned out, my NCO defended me until the day I detached from that command, and he dealt with the problem in an effective yet less-than-official capacity that kept me out of the spotlight. To this day I am eternally grateful for everything that he did to keep one naïve division officer on track.

So while the response to my creepy boss’s actions may not have been ideal, the second point that I’d like to make is that not all men are evil sexual predators. Indeed, most stand ready to uphold the standards that are expected of our military personnel. Most men and women serve with honor, and they will not tolerate the abuse of their people in any respect.

With these two disclaimers of the way, I still want to go ahead and admit that serving in the military as a woman isn’t always as black and white as our core values would indicate. Like any other sector, things happen. I knew when I signed up for this line of work that I would be wading into a male-dominated career field, and even with these complexities I really do love my job. But still. Every day for the past thirteen years, I have found it necessary to do some extra mental calculus as I go about my daily work routine- and this happens precisely because I am a woman operating in a male-dominated workforce.

As I said before, I’m not one for debate or controversy, so I don’t want to go on and on about this subject. Truth be told, I’m exhausted by the topic- but this exhaustion is only surpassed by the frustration I feel each time my comportment is misconstrued by another military member of the opposite sex. These repeated “misunderstandings” force me to not only alter my behavior and composure in the workplace- but from a personal perspective it keeps me up at nights and affects my overall constitution more than my exterior appearance would ever indicate. It has affected my love life. It affects my appetite. It has caused my body to manifest physical displays of stress that I don’t let my emotions process. It has changed my definition of what constitutes “normal” interaction and relationships. All of this is manageable, but still hard.

I’ve gotten to the point that almost without exception, I have no interest in being “friends” with married military men. The same holds true for any other men out there if I even get a spider sense’s suggestion that they may be feeling something towards me that I am not willing to reciprocate. I will always experience a measured level of anxiety if I must go on business trips with men, and if I am going on a deployment then I feel like I’ve got to be extra careful with what I say and do. How I dress. I’ve just been burned too many times to take another chance on being proved wrong.

I’ve never discussed any of this outside of a few quiet circles of conversation, but for the sake of raising awareness in the style of The Invisible War, I do believe that it is a topic meriting heightened attention. Just about all of us are in this business to serve with honor, and my only intent in sharing a slice of my story is to further strengthen our country’s proud military tradition. I am sure that almost all of my comrades- both men and women- would stand alongside me and collectively agree that we are doing more good than bad in terms of making our military environment a more equal place for all.